Sloth
08-05-2010, 16:20
Lost in time, brought back by the fact that copyright says we can have 5%!!
The Oreo
For the second time this week, I’m amazed at what people don’t know. This
started Sunday in the gym. Somehow the topic of gaining weight and eating like
crap came up. Bingo! I know all about this. And
then Oreo’s came up.
Today, I was talking to someone else about
eating like crap (as you can see, I’m still eating
like crap), and the same topic came up. So I
decided that it was time to man up and educate
these guys. So here is a lesson for everyone.
First off, know the playing field.
There are 45 cookies in a regular bag and 36 in a doublestuffed
bag. How can
you not know this one? This is basic stuff! This has been America's most popular
cookie since 1912, and many a great man has bulked up on these. The floral
design on the cookie has 12 flowers per side. This is another one that kills me.
How can you miss this when you’re putting away 45 in one shot?
If every Oreo cookie ever made were stacked on top of each other, the pile would
reach to the moon and back more than five times. If you can’t add a mile or two,
you aren’t even in the game.
The key is to pound the bag before your brain tells you that you’re full. Some will
say this happens in 20 minutes. I say screw that! Try for a PR every time. This
isn’t max effort stuff here. This is about nailing down the most calories in the
shortest time possible.
Rules of the Game
1. Never pull the damn thing apart, and dunking is totally out of the question. I’m
not even going to discuss why.
2. Use a small glass to drink your milk. A bigger glass will cause too much fluid
consumption too fast. This will fill you up before the bag is done.
3. Kill one row right from the start. Just dig in and go. This is easy to do and can
be thought of as the warmup
set, the first lap, the first go around, or whatever
you like.
4. Once the first row is done, poor a small glass of milk. Do not drink it. Not yet.
5. Without delay, start on the next row. With each cookie, pop it in your month
and bite it in half (while still in your mouth). Then take a sip of milk. Repeat this
for each cookie in the second row. If done correctly, you will run out of milk at the
same time that you kill the last cookie in row two.
6. Next, wash your mouth out with water. Do not swallow the water. Rinse and
spit just like at the dentist office, except this time you will be spitting black crap all
over the bowl. Then repeat number five for the last row.
7. If you’re good, you should be done in less than seven minutes. I would tell you
my record, but this involves using the doublestuffed
kind.
I will give you this as a
guide to go by:
Elite: 4 minutes
Masters: 5 minutes
Class 1: 7 minutes
Class 2: 10 minutes
Class 3: 15 minutes
Class 4: 20 minutes
Class 5: 30 minutes
This brings me to my next point. Stick with the singlestuffed
until you get a good
carryover (weight gain) and move up in the ranks. You really should not embrace
the doublestuffed
until you’re at least a Class 1 or Masters. Everyone wants to
jump right into doublestuffed
way too fast. Embrace that you’re a novice, and the
gains will come. Stick to the basics. It is how all the big boys did it.
Final Thoughts
Finally, this is NOT a meal or snack.
It is just another way to add some JACK.
Sometimes you have to do things to live your dream.
And yes, this may mean eating some cream.
This may not be the best habit to keep,
but remember when the rest of the world is asleep
you will be the one paying the price
as they wake to another day of chicken and rice.
Sometimes you need to eat healthy to stay clean,
but I am here to say you may have to eat like shit to be a machine.
This may be contrary to fact,
but skinny NOT—let's get jacked.
If you want to grow up to be like the great King Kong,
then mark my words, you may need some Ding Dongs.
Listen up and make sure to get this right.
It all comes down to calories per bite.
Some of you may be saying, "Dave, you are whacked."
This is okay because I’m almost JACKED.
I have done what I needed to do.
And yes, I remember the picture at the zoo.
To keep from getting decked,
you should get your blood work checked.
A glass, ice cream, and root beer make a float—
just what is needed for a monster bloat.
Please don't get trapped.
You need to eat big to get JACKED.
There will be times when you’ll want to quit.
Walk to the mirror and look through your slits.
Your face is bloated and looks like dread,
but your arms are JACKED, you can't shave your head.
Eating in class once led to after school detention,
but a must this was to gain water retention.
Go to the store and hit the cookie isle.
Load the cart up with a big giant pile.
When you check out, you will pay the toll.
Never mind, this is the way to get ‘swole.’
The point I am trying to make
is really as simple as eating cake.
Candy bars, subs, and chips are the right track.
A great daily lunch this is to get JACKED.
It has to do with more than getting big.
For some of us, this may mean being a pig.
You see getting lean is a piece of cake.
It is getting big that makes most shake.
The thought of losing their abs
has them all taking jabs.
They need to get in the kitchen and crank up “back in black.”
Tear open a box of pop tarts and get JACKED.
They buzzbuzzbuzz like mosquitoes
when all they need is a bag of Doritos.
I will say this one more time.
What they say and do is such a crime.
They have their ass tied and bound.
Here is a clue—fudge round.
Dieting is easy when you set your way.
Adding mass is without a doubt a different day.
They have their way, and I have mine,
but please remember, I walk the line.
They might have been the head of the class,
but they can kiss my JACKED up ass!
Awsome.
The Oreo
For the second time this week, I’m amazed at what people don’t know. This
started Sunday in the gym. Somehow the topic of gaining weight and eating like
crap came up. Bingo! I know all about this. And
then Oreo’s came up.
Today, I was talking to someone else about
eating like crap (as you can see, I’m still eating
like crap), and the same topic came up. So I
decided that it was time to man up and educate
these guys. So here is a lesson for everyone.
First off, know the playing field.
There are 45 cookies in a regular bag and 36 in a doublestuffed
bag. How can
you not know this one? This is basic stuff! This has been America's most popular
cookie since 1912, and many a great man has bulked up on these. The floral
design on the cookie has 12 flowers per side. This is another one that kills me.
How can you miss this when you’re putting away 45 in one shot?
If every Oreo cookie ever made were stacked on top of each other, the pile would
reach to the moon and back more than five times. If you can’t add a mile or two,
you aren’t even in the game.
The key is to pound the bag before your brain tells you that you’re full. Some will
say this happens in 20 minutes. I say screw that! Try for a PR every time. This
isn’t max effort stuff here. This is about nailing down the most calories in the
shortest time possible.
Rules of the Game
1. Never pull the damn thing apart, and dunking is totally out of the question. I’m
not even going to discuss why.
2. Use a small glass to drink your milk. A bigger glass will cause too much fluid
consumption too fast. This will fill you up before the bag is done.
3. Kill one row right from the start. Just dig in and go. This is easy to do and can
be thought of as the warmup
set, the first lap, the first go around, or whatever
you like.
4. Once the first row is done, poor a small glass of milk. Do not drink it. Not yet.
5. Without delay, start on the next row. With each cookie, pop it in your month
and bite it in half (while still in your mouth). Then take a sip of milk. Repeat this
for each cookie in the second row. If done correctly, you will run out of milk at the
same time that you kill the last cookie in row two.
6. Next, wash your mouth out with water. Do not swallow the water. Rinse and
spit just like at the dentist office, except this time you will be spitting black crap all
over the bowl. Then repeat number five for the last row.
7. If you’re good, you should be done in less than seven minutes. I would tell you
my record, but this involves using the doublestuffed
kind.
I will give you this as a
guide to go by:
Elite: 4 minutes
Masters: 5 minutes
Class 1: 7 minutes
Class 2: 10 minutes
Class 3: 15 minutes
Class 4: 20 minutes
Class 5: 30 minutes
This brings me to my next point. Stick with the singlestuffed
until you get a good
carryover (weight gain) and move up in the ranks. You really should not embrace
the doublestuffed
until you’re at least a Class 1 or Masters. Everyone wants to
jump right into doublestuffed
way too fast. Embrace that you’re a novice, and the
gains will come. Stick to the basics. It is how all the big boys did it.
Final Thoughts
Finally, this is NOT a meal or snack.
It is just another way to add some JACK.
Sometimes you have to do things to live your dream.
And yes, this may mean eating some cream.
This may not be the best habit to keep,
but remember when the rest of the world is asleep
you will be the one paying the price
as they wake to another day of chicken and rice.
Sometimes you need to eat healthy to stay clean,
but I am here to say you may have to eat like shit to be a machine.
This may be contrary to fact,
but skinny NOT—let's get jacked.
If you want to grow up to be like the great King Kong,
then mark my words, you may need some Ding Dongs.
Listen up and make sure to get this right.
It all comes down to calories per bite.
Some of you may be saying, "Dave, you are whacked."
This is okay because I’m almost JACKED.
I have done what I needed to do.
And yes, I remember the picture at the zoo.
To keep from getting decked,
you should get your blood work checked.
A glass, ice cream, and root beer make a float—
just what is needed for a monster bloat.
Please don't get trapped.
You need to eat big to get JACKED.
There will be times when you’ll want to quit.
Walk to the mirror and look through your slits.
Your face is bloated and looks like dread,
but your arms are JACKED, you can't shave your head.
Eating in class once led to after school detention,
but a must this was to gain water retention.
Go to the store and hit the cookie isle.
Load the cart up with a big giant pile.
When you check out, you will pay the toll.
Never mind, this is the way to get ‘swole.’
The point I am trying to make
is really as simple as eating cake.
Candy bars, subs, and chips are the right track.
A great daily lunch this is to get JACKED.
It has to do with more than getting big.
For some of us, this may mean being a pig.
You see getting lean is a piece of cake.
It is getting big that makes most shake.
The thought of losing their abs
has them all taking jabs.
They need to get in the kitchen and crank up “back in black.”
Tear open a box of pop tarts and get JACKED.
They buzzbuzzbuzz like mosquitoes
when all they need is a bag of Doritos.
I will say this one more time.
What they say and do is such a crime.
They have their ass tied and bound.
Here is a clue—fudge round.
Dieting is easy when you set your way.
Adding mass is without a doubt a different day.
They have their way, and I have mine,
but please remember, I walk the line.
They might have been the head of the class,
but they can kiss my JACKED up ass!
Awsome.