End of my Teather.

[bird]

Hi Guys,

Im wondering if I can have some advice on how to handle a situation. I don't know what i'm gonna say you'll think is stupid or anything but one thing is true its destroying my family.

Ok Im 19 I got a younger brother who is 15 and and a younder sister and I live in a nice house in a middle class area with my Mum and Stepdad. Basically the problem is is my bro is out of control bigtime, he's not a small lad and he's done a bit of boxing and lies to think of himself as a hard man, which I think isnt too far from the truth, he's out of control though. He's always been a little bit hot to handle but things just keep on getting worse and worse.

I'll give you a little bit of background on him, hes in year 11 at college after getting expelled from his previous school for stealing school property which he got arrested for and has a criminal record for, hes one more thing away from going to juve after doing other stupid things such as riding his mates moped whilst drunk and getting stopped by the Police, there are also other things that he has done. And he hangs around with the wrong crowd and used to fight quite a bit with the local gangs or whatever before he got expelled, his outlook of life is totally distorted he thinks whats determines how successful you are in life has got to do with how hard you are you you beat up and what stuiff you do ie steal cars. I have no idea where this attitude has come from my parents earn good money and are not like this in the slightest. He regulary talks about how he would stab people and his dream is to rob a bank. He calls me a pussy and worthless and a joke and a faggot and feminine just becuase I dont do those things and Im not according to him "boysterous and dont get pissed all the time" beacuse thast his idea of a real man. I try to ignore him it doesnt get to me too much becuase its crazy but he goes on about it everyday which has its toll.

This is not the worst thing, We have attempted to change this attitude but he is worst than this at home. Hes treats my stepdad and mum like shit as well as me and my sister. He hurts my Mum by grabbing her and she bruises ocne he pushed here over and she flew across the room, he has no respect for them, it is true that we dont have the best relati9onship with our stepdad we share no interests and works 24/7 and have no kind of relationship with him really not that im no angel either, is doesnt help that our Dad lives a bit away and is a manic depressive. So he is ill at home in recent years and in and out of hospital, I know my brother is terrified of turning out like him but at the moment he is sharing several characteristics.

He treats my sister like pure shit 85% of the time. Last week, he took the sky card of the the sky digital and would not give it back and he does this regulary to my parents and me playing the power game saying you gona make me give it back etc and they can't he has no respect for them and bacially do what he wants and noone can stop him. WHen my parents threatened to search his room he threatened to beat up my stepdad and stab him he went to the kitchen to get a knife but I jumped on him and bear hugged him for about 20 minutes whilst he was going crazy, I thank BB for letting me be able to do that I fell like a bouncer in my own home though, the only one that can stop him. Hes the most aggressive person youve ever met and the most hypicritical he loves insulting you all day long which he does making everyones life a living hell, but if you say anything back he will go on and on and get violent, im not the kinda person thats takes any crap from anyone so you don't know how hard it is for me to take it and sometimes I can't, but anything can spark him off and he'll get violent. I think he's paranoid or something, he thinks everyone always lies to him. We had a huge thing this morning becuase we got the new GTA and I was playing it for about half an hour and he said its my turn how long u been playing I said half an hour he then called me a liar for the next half an hour throwing insults at me and then proceed to get violent he tryed to throttle me after throwing several punches I pucnhed him once but I dont like to punch him as he's my bro unless I get very angry he proceeded to headbut me punch me in the face and gouged my face, this stuff happens everyday. It takes nothing to set him off. And quite honestly I can't take this shit anymore its making living at home unbearable, a while ago he even threatened me with a knife and held it to my throat. As well as all the threats about baseball batting me. Im no angel sometimes I will say things back which gets him even more angry but i'm onmly human I can't take this shit all the time without giving something back.

He's not all bad he can be nice sometimes but you can be nice to him all day then he'll ruin it for no obvious reason in a second, its making everyones life a living hell, I think my Mum and Stepdad are on the verge of a nervous breakdown!

Sorry for unloading on you but i'm on the end of my teather and lost for ideas. I'm not sure what I was expecting but I just had to get it all out, at least I have BB its the only escape I have and it keeps me going. Although I have to but up with the crap of him calling me insecure which i'm not and fat which i'm not all the time. I want to be a Policeman and he gives me a huge about a shit for that!

Hes had counciling at school but he doesnt take it seriously and you cant make him to anything he doesn't want to do so I doubt we cld get him to a doctor!


Thanks guys.

[PikeKing]

sounds tough mate, I cant really give you any advice, has he got ADD or something?

You must have the paitence of a saint, I know if that was going on in my house I would kicked the shit out of him

[blacklab]

You're in a tough spot, man. Sometimes there's not a lot you can do in a situation like that other than to be there for the rest of your family. Hopefully, he'll see the light and come out of it. I've known a lot of people myself who were out of contol when they were young, but changed their ways when they hit 18 or so.
Good luck, bro.

[GoldenArrow]

Only my opinion but...if you put him in hospital he might realise he's not the king of the world...

[Boxer]

Damn, what a dick head. Sorry Bird. It's the way most of our teenagers have gone today unfortunately.

They are influenced by gangster films and video games. They think it's cool. What do they know about crime though? Really? If one of these teens lives a life of crime I would love to ask them on their death beds whether this life of crime really was cool and I know what the answer would be!?!

It's no surprise that teenage suicide is UP massively. Hmm, I wonder why? It's because they're ****ing things up for themselves ( and others! ).

The government needs to get tough on youth crime and the sooner people stop buying this gangster shit and it dissappears from our marketplaces the better.

Anyway, Bird it must be a nightmare for you and your family. Most lads like this do change and become good guys. Normally they find out in life they have to change or crime really is no fun.

When's he going to grow up though? It's tough to say and between the ages of 18 and 21 I would say most of my mates matured at apart from the odd one or two.

The lucky thing is it sounds like he has a good family and you and the rest of your family will be a good influence on him which although might not be visible at times will be part of his personality too.

Good luck mate and I hope things turn out good for you in the end!

[kinkymisspinky]

sounds like you're in a really tough situation.

you said he was seeing a counsellor - did he have specific emotional/behavioural problems growing up or is it recent? are the school counsellors able to offer your family advice regarding where you can get support and information? if you can get him to a doctor maybe they can prescribe something to calm him down? i know drugging your brother isn't the ideal solution but it may be better than his outbursts.

hope it all works out for you.

[Boxer]

Fish oil...

I aint kidding either...

If you can get your borther to supplement with fish oil it will chill him out a bit. You could tell him that it will increase his muscle and reduce bodyfat or something ( actually true ).

Here's an abstract...

1: Nurs Stand. 2004 Aug 11-17;18(48):38-42. Related Articles, Links


Health benefits of omega-3 fatty acids.

Ruxton C.

Evidence suggests that omega-3 polyunsaturated fatty acids play an integral role in cell membrane function and development of the brain and eyes. Optimising intake appears to confer many benefits, including reduced risk of heart disease and possibly a reduced likelihood of behavioural problems, depression and inflammatory conditions such as rheumatoid arthritis. Although there is some disagreement on what level of intake is optimal, British diets are low in omega-3 fatty acids. Good sources include oily fish and novel sources include fortified eggs and oils derived from microalgae.

Publication Types:
Review
Review, Tutorial

PMID: 15366399 [PubMed - indexed for MEDLINE


If you parents are on a verge of a nervous breakdown then fish oils will reduce their stress.

References...

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/query.fcgi?cmd=Retrieve&db=pubmed&dopt=Abstract&list_uids=12909818

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/query.fcgi?cmd=Retrieve&db=pubmed&dopt=Abstract&list_uids=11237197

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/query.fcgi?cmd=Retrieve&db=pubmed&dopt=Abstract&list_uids=10683816

It's not going to eliminate the problem but it may help.

[Brett]

Send him to Redcliffe in Utah. Ever watched Brat Camp?

[Mike]

It also says it helps with depression and I would comment that it doesnt.
Worth a try?

Edit: And welcome back Boxer!

[kinkymisspinky]

maybe the diet/supplement route is worth trying. i remember reading a about identical twins with behavioural problems, one twin was fed the normal junk food diet, the other was given a clean diet with fish oils. the one on the clean diet showed marked improvements in their behaviour. sorry, don't have the names of the studies to hand (boxer?).

[Robert]

My younger brother started to get like this when he was 17. He got in with the wrong crowd, got kicked out of the sixth form, started stealing money from my parents, getting into trouble with the law, smoking, rec drugs, etc etc. The last time the police brought him home was for trying to mug a "rival" gang member - a girl. My parents were away for a holiday. Unlike your brother, mine has always known I would have no trouble kicking his face in, and so never disrespected me personally, but he did many of the things your brother does. Anyways, IIRC (and I will check with him later) I smashed 4 of his teeth out and then while he lay on the floor I asked hm "was he going to buck the fcuk up and start being normal?" He said "No." Defiantly, so I snapped two of his fingers and told him I would break every bone he has to make this nonsense stop. He immediately agreed to change. He's now 18, and swears that the beating was the best thing that ever happend to him. Wghen my parents returned my dad was not too pleased with the £800 dental bill for Jay, but again, now that Jay has calmed and is doing well, he too agrees that the beating was money well spent. Jay is now at uni and is perfectly normal.

What he needs is a good hiding.

EDIT: Jesus, I just re-read your post Brid. He actually has the cheek and balls to not just hit you, but hold a knife to your throat? That young prick needs the shit kicked out of him soooooooo badly. Think about it, how else is he goign to stop? You keep up this nicey nicey attitude and he'll keep pushing the boundries. Lay down the fcuking law. No one likes twating people, least of all your own family, but sometimes mate, dirty jobs need doing. This one is long overdue by the sounds of it.

[the block]

is there anything that you 2 share interests in and could possibly do together with the aim of building a relationship and gaining his respect? which in turn would hopefully leave him open to suggestions and advice from yourself.
stress that you are brothers/family etc...

if not then unfortunately have to agree with the majority.

[Boxer]

It also says it helps with depression and I would comment that it doesnt.
Worth a try?
It definitely helps with depression mate. It's quite a well researched area. The only reason that you wont here about it is it doesn't make as much money as ineffective anti depressants which INCREASE the risk of teenage suicide by the way and will never allow an individual to be 'nornal' and ofcourse are detrimental to health whereas fish oil improves health.

Fish oil can cure mild depression. If you have severe depression then you may get some relief with fish oils.

Often people don't use enough fish oil to get the desired effect. I don't know how much fish oil needs to be used for depression without searching Pubmed for the dosages but we're talking probably at least 3g to 6g a day. Which sounds a lot but it isn't considering that you can get 1g capsules which means a capsule with every or even every other meal.

Ofcourse it's the EPA and DHA that we want and you can get concentrated fish oil capsules these days meaning less capsules would need to be taken too.

Also, another problem with fish oils is that they take time to take effect. Around 5% of the fatty acids are replaced in the brain each day and ofcourse this 5% will be replaced with other fats from the diet too not just the EPA and DHA. So you're probably looking at around 4 weeks to start getting a benefit.

Edit: And welcome back Boxer![/
Cheers Mike! :039:

[Fred]

about a year ago my now 16 yr old brother who lives with my dad dropped out of school, smoked weed did other drugs etc stopped coming home for 10 days at a time, staying in squats, being arrested every other week for numerus things such as beating up a shopkeeper and shooting pidgeons with a paintball gun.

hes still a nutcase now, but hes stopped doing such crazy crap and going to school everyday

get him a social worker, they are shit, but eventually they seemed to help my bro by getting him back into school etc

[Boxer]

maybe the diet/supplement route is worth trying. i remember reading a about identical twins with behavioural problems, one twin was fed the normal junk food diet, the other was given a clean diet with fish oils. the one on the clean diet showed marked improvements in their behaviour. sorry, don't have the names of the studies to hand (boxer?).
I am not aware of that particular study but it is something I would expect. Some people will get better results from the fish oil just like people respond to all supplements differently for various physiological reasons.

[Fred]

i have problems with mild depression/moods which seem to go for a week, and linger for a bit longer then go again, do you think its worth me trying this fish oil out?

[Boxer]

Yes definitely mate. I'll have a look at dosages a little later and post back here for you.

Fish oil is a great supp anyway and has a load of benefits. If you were to ask me what my fave supp was the answer would be fish oil. Any guru worth his salt would give the same answer too.

[Fred]

ok, i'll give it a go.

thanks!

[Mike]

Thanks for that boxer but I dont think it's the answer. I've consumed various fatty oils in abundance over the last few years and have still felt crap. It may work for some blah blah....but I wouldnt turn to it as a cure. Various vitamins and minerals have there uses to avoid diseases etc but consuming them in abundance wont exactly cure or help cure a disease. Fish oil maybe prehab rather then rehab?

Like I said maybe worth a shot...

[Boxer]

Mike you make a good point but like I said fish oils can relieve minor depression and give some relief to serious depression.

I agree with what you say in that it wont help all cases of depression though as depression can be caused by many things. Many things beyond my knowledge too probably as I don't claim to be an expert in depression.

I guess if somebody is suffering from depression and there is a reason in their life for it then that particular reason needs to be addressed. As an example somebody may be in massive debt and this debt might be causing depression. Obviously being able to pay these debts and get the debt removed is what will remove the depression in this case.

Would taking fish oils in the above case help? Maybe slightly but it's helping in other ways. Obviously if this person above was taking fish oils anyway it would help zilch.

Depression can be caused by lack of sunlight too ( known as SAD or seasonal affective disorder ) and here would fish oils help? Maybe they would help but again it would by other ways. A good way too beat this depression is to invest in a light box and use light therapy and to consider a vitamin D supplement too.

Anyway, hopefully you can see my point in that there is many, many causes of depression and the fish oil will either cure minor depression, help with depression or I agree do nothing at all but it is worth trying.

[Mike]

Fair points dude :023: .

[bird]

Yes Robert he does need a good kicking, thing is you punch him he punches you he would never stop and carry it on and on and on and I can't be bothered to continously putting up with shit like that.

If I gave him a kicking my parents would kick me out, which I dont want to happen. As well as the fact that if I gave him a kicking he'd go get a knife or something and probably stab me, so like I said it might solve the problem with him but then i'd fall out with my parents and that certaintly isn't want I wasnt happen.

I want to help him and I put up with this shit that one day he will grow out of it or something. Physically he doesn't bother me I can take any punches and headbuts or whatever like water off a ducks back, as well as I big size advantage I could throw him round with ease.

I'm not sure even giving him a kicking would change anything, I think it would make things a lot worse.

Thanks for all these replies guys its given me a lot to think about on how to deal with them, keep em coming :)

[Robert]

I apologise for the fact that I have not been of much help to you mate. But its kill or be killed in my book, if he reached for a knife, i'd stab him... He needs sorting out.

I wish you the very best of luck.

PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR SISTER AT ALL COSTS.

[Angel Delight]

Sorry to hear you have such a tough time at home James. Home is supposed to be the one place, where you can feel safe and secure.

No disrespect, but the advice from rob and PikeKing is wrong, you definately shouldn't kick the shit out of him. It's easy, for PK to make a comment like that, because he has a family life comparable with the Waltons or Little House on the Prairie. He has no idea what you are going through.

Boxer has given you the best advice (as usual, he is so helpful), I've read that fish oils can help.

There is no easy solution to your problem, but perhaps you could try the opposite approach with your brother. When he is in one of his moods, instead of losing your temper and becoming aggressive try to be kind and understanding. Seems like he may have some deep rooted pyschological problems, possibly triggered by your parents divorce or/and your dad's manic depression. He does me professional help, but as you said he won't take it.

I hope things get better for you James. Try not to worry about his shallow criticism of you. You are on the right track, he isn't. Focus on your career in the Police Force and ignore his comments. Best of luck with everything.

[DMPM]

Fear is a powerful thing...

If I would've ever layed a hand on my sister or mum, my dad would've punched the **** out of me so badly I'd be shitting teeth for days.

[GoldenArrow]

Agreed.

[Mike]

Fear may stop one situation, but it opens a host of others.

[Angel Delight]

Fear may stop one situation, but it opens a host of others.

I agree with Mike. Fear can manifest itself in many ways.

[bird]

Its doing my head in though, the insults don't stop, I tried to be nice all day to see if that would work, let him on my computer and took him to the gym, but when I go down to watch TV the first thing he says is dick head before I open my mouth, feminine ponce etc etc he went on and on, its so hard not to just kick his head in right there, but I don't think that is the answer like AD said, but bloody hell it would make me feel good.

[Angel Delight]

I sympathise James. Try not to let him get to you, keep calm and try to ignore him. If you do this, he will hopefully get bored of trying to antagonise you. He wants you to react. If you don't react, he may stop doing it so much.

Keep your chin up.

[Brett]

He probably can see that it really bothers you.

While I agree with Robert he needs a good kicking, the next best option would be trying this: every insult he throws at you just keep repeating "I know" and "Youre right" and smile when youre doing it. A mate of mine does this when Im going off at him and it drives me fcuking nuts!

The only time he'll retaliate is when you push him, and then he lets you know he doesnt like it. :002:

[bunnyluva]

I saw a programme on tv a couple of months back about a couple who had just got married and started living together. The husband did everything around the house and the wife behaved like a spoilt kid, calling her hubby names and hitting him etc, etc.

The hubby never retaliated and it went on and on. The psychologists behind the scenes explained she was behaving in this way cos she actually wanted her husband to stand up to her and draw a line of whats acceptable and whats not.

He did everything and deep down she felt useless. They drew some rules up and gave her a share of the housework and then she started feeling like a valuable member to the household and things settled down.

Kids are the same, they need a line and will keep pushing to till they are giving one.

You're family members need to give him a line, a clear example of whats acceptable and whats not. If you all get on well, he probably feels left out and is seeking attention, unfortunately for him, he's seeking it in the wrong manner.

How you get the message across is you're business.

Phil