View Full Version : The Viking Sagas
I have sailed across the Norwegian Sea to rape, pillage, and conquer the Chav Nation (and thus spread my superior seeds amongst the pretty ladies). To ensure the success of my quest I have decided to swap my log-carrying and boulder-lifting training for the modern day Anglo Saxon weights room. Here begins my journal:
PikeKing
02-07-2005, 21:51
To ensure the success of my quest I have decided to swap my log-carrying and boulder-lifting training for the modern day Anglo Saxon weights room. Here begins my journal:
damn! I'd stick to the log carrying and boulder lifting!
Wednesday 29th of June: Back and triceps day
Usual 500m rowing warm up steady at under 2 minutes.
Weighted chin-ups 5 x +22.5kg, +27.5kg, +32.5kg
(Exchange of banter with person bigger than me, fart in the general direction of persons smaller than me)
Weighted dips 5 x +80kg, +82.5kg, +85kg
Stirrup grip pull down 5 x 119kg, 126kg - fair bit of cheating by leaning back on the last two reps
Weighted dips 2 x +95kg (first rep upper arms only half way parallel to the ground. Other rep makes me feel good, want to try +100kg next week)
Home to have a celebratory w*&k... crack off a triple in no time, show my flat mates the end product (note to self: “seeds looking strong”)
Saturday 2nd July: Chest and Bicep day
BW 81kg
(Note: half way through 5 week cycle. 5 wks at 5 reps per set, week off, 5 weeks 10 reps per set, week off, repeat…)
Dumbbell flat bench press: 6x 26kg, 7x 46kg, 8x 46kg, 8x 46kg – third set off balance, corrupted my last set from achieving 10 reps. Gym only goes up to 46kg dumbbells hence higher rep range.
Seated bicep curl: 6x 12kg, 5x 26kg, 5x 28kg, 6x 28kg – still swinging arms a little, no good
Took a few minutes to watch Andy Roddick win a second set tie breaker. Realised half way through watching I had assumed an slightly camp stance, quickly adjusted myself and eyeballed big hairy f*&ker until he agreed to spot for me
Bench: 5x 100kg, 5x 110kg – assisted for the last three reps – not happy (seeds must be weak)
Home to bully the neighbour’s cat
Quality dips - double BW! Decent chins too.
Haha... This is shaping up as a quality read already.
Cheers guys, I'll spare your women and children.
Cheers guys, I'll spare your women and children.
Hehe,I'm loving your work already,good luck with the journal
Ahh good, another village I won't need to torch.
Liking your work too Icepick... in fact your name reminds me of a time way back when;
I was only 18, but the weak seeds of White trash were already irritating me (like an itchy bum hole when you hadn’t wiped properly a few hours earlier - and that annoyed me… I needed a scratch). So I took my favourite tool, at that time an Icepick, and slaughtered 47 little turd-features dressed in tracksuits and covered in Argos jewellery. As the last of my prey squirmed under my foot, it offered me one of its most prized possessions for its life - a £5 note! I ripped it from its hand, snapped its neck with a Bruce Lee twist of my torso and rolled a fat one with my crisp new fiver. I felt good that evening sat there smoking, watching the sun set over a local ASDA car-park scattered with carcasses...
Rogue_zero
03-07-2005, 10:27
bizarre but very good!
Cool journal :026:
Cheers Narc, I see I won't need to fertilise your women - you've got it covered
Rogue_zero
03-07-2005, 10:55
this will be a most entertaining read. I will see our mutual friend tomorrow and pass on your message.
where you training?
where you training?
Where the gene pool is weakest in this country... Crawley
uk machine
03-07-2005, 22:50
hmm interesting reading. :023:
best chins and dips ive seen at your weight, certainly on this board. Fair play.
I am from the original viking stronghold of Yorvik. Sometimes i go to the Viking Centre in the middle of town and shout and swear. So welcome basically.
i acn SOOOOO imagine that **** doing that ^
i acn SOOOOO imagine that **** doing that ^
I might have to brush up on my English... Robert - what would you **** doing? acn? I have the feeling I might have a few in jokes to brush up on if anyone wants to fill me in as we go along?
Also, I'd be curious to know what weighted dips and chin records are about - anybody here of some interesting statistics?
You must have a strong belt to be dipping 100kg - Respect!!
I might have to brush up on my English... Robert - what would you **** doing? acn? I have the feeling I might have a few in jokes to brush up on if anyone wants to fill me in as we go along?
You'll get used to Rob's regular rape and pillage of the English language soon enough...
Yea! Verily I am undone by the greatest intellect of our age.
also, magnus, its a joke about ben.
I take it Ben has poo on his elbows for a different reason to myself? (see Injury Support Forum)
yes....he's been fisting robs mam :023:
Rogue_zero
05-07-2005, 08:08
oooooh nasty :eek:
Wednesday 7th of July 05 – big day for a big let down, but what happened next…?
Breaking tradition, I went at lunch time to the local leisure centre at Dorking having only snaked on Wheatabix minis with chocolate – thinking that this would be sufficient for my 100kg dip… well let me tell you what happened:
Warm up – very gentle, (must conserve energy)
Weighted chins 5x 25kg, 5x 30kg 4x 35kg (last rep was rubbish, I’ve seen women in labour push harder with better effect)
Weighted dips 5x 80kg (wasn’t wearing gloves so hands began to slip a little – nerves of the occasion maybe?) 5x 82.5kg (what a struggle, feeling ready to start saving for my sex change op). Then colleagues from work turned up to film 3x 85kg (THREE f*&king reps… last time I checked I had a c*&k between my legs, now I had 4 20kg plates a 5kg and a fanny!) This last set was filmed and if you pay close attention to the end, you may see the beginnings of me berating myself like I had just spu*ked off too early after been giving a one time opportunity to shag Jennifer Garner.
85kg for three reps – a little shallow, but about par for me (in .MOV format)
http://rapidshare.de/files/2855555/P1010719.MOV.html
Close grip pull downs (with handles on nylon ribbons) 4x 119kg (getting pretty concerned now) 5x 119kg (feeling a little better after a bloke had offered to put me down a weight for the last rep on the first set – that’ll learn him (overgrown nut sack)
With the momentum of the last slightly more redeeming set, I feel ready for 90kg to dip (100 is definitely off the menu considering the poor state of affairs earlier). To find out what happened see the clip:
http://rapidshare.de/files/2855581/P1010720.MOV.html
Need I say… no more dips today?
(Downloads are 4MB and 1MB respectively)
Rogue_zero
06-07-2005, 22:04
nice work, shame your willy let go of the weights
nice work, shame your willy let go of the weights
Yea I think something must have caught it's eye
me thinks that you need to lower the weights on those babies
GoldenArrow
06-07-2005, 23:00
Yep, way high and some nice side to side grinding which looks like it will **** your shoulders
Fair call, they should be deeper - I know... elbows are part of my problem today, but still there's room for improvement
uk machine
07-07-2005, 11:19
Yep, way high and some nice side to side grinding which looks like it will **** your shoulders
word to this
some nice side to side grinding which looks like it will **** your shoulders
What do you mean by side-to-side grinding..? – my side-to-side, or the viewers?
GoldenArrow
07-07-2005, 23:00
your side
LOL now I know you're full of it. With 85kg locking me down, I'd have difficulty swinging side-to-side even if I tried. How did you figure this out from a side angle shot anyway?
Seriously though, I appreciate your concern, but I'm more worried about my elbows (cheers for the heads up on Zipvit by the way)
PikeKing
08-07-2005, 00:02
Yep, way high and some nice side to side grinding which looks like it will **** your shoulders
yup I spotted that, lower the weight, dips are great but they can be shoulder ****ers
Hokaay, now that the girls have stopped swinging their handbags I shall carry on with my saga:
Saturdays I'm usually so excited to get out there and hurt little undernourished runts with their plaid and lacklustre armour that I cannot contain myself beyond letting a big breakfast settle before getting straight to work. However today I’m feeling composed, serene if you will, like I’ve dislodged a constipation the size of a pepper grinder that you’d find in pretentious Italian restaurant. And that makes me grin like I’ve just laid a sneaky poo under my least favourite flat mate’s bed in the knowledge that once he realises, I’ll have two weeks left in Rio holidaying.
Anyway, a breakfast and lunch later, come 5pm it’s time…
Dumbbell press 10x 26kg, 46kg x 8,9,8 – was aiming for 10 reps this last set – feel like I’ve only just realised someone has stolen my mojo. Did one more set of 3 for luck - might skip DB press next week and go for reps of 5 on bench press in an attempt to keep the 5 rep cycle programme consistent?
Seated bicep curls 5x 14kg, 28kg x 5,6,6 this is more like it, although I’d like to compare my swing to last week’s
Bench press 5 x 100kg, 5 x 110kg – spotter said only rep number 3 did he help much so at least I’m doing a bit better.
Compared to last week, I’ve improved, but only very marginally – conclusion is a midday or afternoon workout doesn’t make much difference so long as I’ve eaten enough before hand.
Felt pretty disappointed in my results today so got home and peed in flatmate’s milk carton to make me feel better… later realised I’ve ran out of milk – bugger!
Tuesday 12th of July, back and tri's
Got accosted by my Middle Eastern friend (who is a bit like Banderes in the 12th Warrior – compact but skilful) and continued on my Saga...
The venue of my latest carnage was to be an unlikely of places... a gym in Chiswick (west London). We were welcomed by the thumping of a resident DJ playing music loud enough to hide the screams of my Chav prey as I tie their intestines to the top of a pole and play swing ball with their bodies. In fairness this was pretty odd having a DJ playing, it turns out this is a monthly occurrence and we'd got lucky.
It wasn’t long after warming up that I realised something else had warmed up too… this was a clean gym, a “nice” gym, a gym I’d been to once before only to see the wimp groaning under 40kg of free weight benching was in fact Gareth Gates, yes this was a gym with maybe a few too many men. What was heating up?.. the testosterone (and not because they were competing to lift heavier)! The times I’d visited before it was quiet, during the middle of the day, and the pretty little ladies who were keeping their perfectly voluptuous little figures as pert as a freshly inflated balloon, had distracted me sufficiently from the roaming eyes of men in comfortable shoes. Fearing nothing, and loving the opportunity to point out that my mate’s baggies had a small hole in the crotch for easy access we ignored the excessive fake tans and lack of stale body odour and proceeded with care to the chin up station:
Weighted chins 3 x 5 x +25kg, 30kg, 35kg – this felt good, I pulled myself up with much more conviction than last week, and completed the last rep.
Weighted dips 2 x 5 x 80kg, 82.5kg 2x 90kg – bored of making excuses for my elbows, have decided to take time off for two weeks, rest and supplement - the glucosamine tablets appear to be working (written a week later)
Stirrup grip pull down 2 x 5 x 126kg – to my amazement three little undernourished Chavs had minced up to the machine next to mine and although they exhibited all the traits of the lesser freckled Chav (poor bone development, girly muscles attempting to cling to said weedy bones, wispy bum fluff growing from their fragile lady-like jawlines and clothing that looks like mum had sacrificed buying ciggies for a week to “treat” their little treasure to a new tracksuit from the most recent sports shop to have a closing down sale), I was surprised to see them in such an overpriced and overly civilized venue.
After I had heaved away at the stack, I swore I could see one of the three was rocking in the corner sucking his thumb murmuring quietly “find a happy place, find a happy place…” (As BA might say “I pity the foo who stands between me and my weights”)
As I left, one of the gym instructors asked me if I was a pent athlete, I miss heard him to say paraplegic and told him I’d slap him like a bitch if he keeps talking like one. He went to slap me, but his bitch swing was so limp I had enough time to turn my head and chow down on his frail little well manicured lily hand. As I growled and tugged at his flailing limb like a dog playing tug of war with his master’s stick (may need to rephrase that one), blood spurted everywhere. He wimpered like a school girl, I picked him up and threw him face first over the bar on the squatting rack. Before walking off, to create a diversion so that I could leave without too much attention I pulled down his shorts baring his behind to the gay vultures who soon descended upon their newest prey – bum fest extrodinaire (no one will notice me leave now)
As I walked out I passed the little Chav crying in the corner from earlier, I gave him a sharp kick to the kidneys and turned to Banderes “let’s go…”
BengDogg
22-07-2005, 07:03
Nice training and ass kicking
Nice training and ass kicking
Verily.
uk machine
22-07-2005, 10:02
This is the most comical training thread ever, but one must wonder how u have so much time to write it all up, surely u shud be raping and pillaging now. :D
This is the most comical training thread ever, but one must wonder how u have so much time to write it all up, surely u shud be raping and pillaging now. :D
I think all of us blood thirsty wanny bandits need to find other ways to express ourselves - mines sometimes through words, and sometimes through finding new and inventive places to hide my sneekie poos around the house
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